Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who cares about South Carolina’s finest treasure, DMX. One time, at Prom at my high school, a DMX CD got stuck in the changer and we had to listen to “Party Up” on repeat for a good portion of the evening. I danced the entire time and I lost about 3% of my body weight and two friends as a result. I did not care, because RUFF RYDERS FOR LIFE Y’ALL. I thought everyone held the Dark Man X in the same regard as I do, but apparently I was wrong. Some jerk in Spartanburg has gone and crossed X:
Really, y’all? See this is why we can’t have nice things. A famous person finally moves into the upstate, frequents our strip clubs and @WaffleHouse restaurants and this is how we treat the guy? We need to be ashamed! This has not been the year for DMX, and I as the president of South Carolinians for the Ethical Treatment of DMX, have staunchly supported him. Despite 4 arrests and back child support owed on some of his 10 children, DMX, or Earl Simmons as the government knows him, has felt my support and is planning a comeback:
Which will be awesome because my Prom attendance days are long gone, but DMX could pen the anthem to my future wedding and divorce parties. Every little girl dreams of having cake smashed into her face by a guy who she chose at random to spend her life with while someone barks out the truest wisdom ever told. Every. Little. Girl. Trust. I hope DMX comes through for me. I need this. Additionally, I need my own DMX spotting like this one:
Who knew that DMX liked Chipotle as much as the next cat? I also really hope that sassy lady with the pink folder is his assistant. I hope this because I want to find her and then ask DMX if I can replace her. I would drive him around so he wouldn’t have to get arrested anymore and since, well you know, he doesn’t have a car right now and all. I got you back, DMX. DMX JUSTICE LEAGUE FOR LIFE. RUFF RYDERS FOR LIFE.
I may have started following one of the best twitter accounts of my life in @ValEKilmer. I can never tell if he’s for real or joking, but I do know this: I am REALLY entertained.
He’s right you know. There’s a lot of Bacon haters out there. I know plenty of people who would dare to describe Kevin Bacon as creepy. But Val Kilmer? Dude EVERYONE loves the Iceman. He realizes this and broke all of us Top Gun fanatics off a proper chunk:
*Makes teeth snapping motion in the air at someone else’s face* Take a moment today and follow @ValEKilmer on the Twitter machine. You won’t be sorry. And if you are well, you just don’t get me or what it’s like to live in the shadow of the Iceman’s awesomeness. We both snap our teeth at you.
If you want to snap back with some suggestions for who we should feature on #TwitterThursday send your suggestions to @SceneSC and be sure to use tons of emojis.